Daydreamin ✨

always daydreamin..

I used to think nobody reads my blog, so why do I bother writing? Well, even if nobody reads what I write about.. I do not care. Nyahaha! This is my outlet. It’s this one place where I can vent out and share my thoughts about whatever. I’ve been much too lazy to write on my journals.

I have been thinking a lot and as much as I try not to think of anything and just let things go. Let things flow and let nature take its course.. Stuff like that. But I get anxious sometimes and the over thinker in me just wish I didn’t have to go through all this thinking. Like I wish I could just fast forward to that space and time wherein I’d have my tiny beach house and I’d crochet for a living because I’ve already saved enough money for Travis’ education til he graduates. I can only dream, for now. 

I’d just be by the beach and I’d be writing about life and love.. All the good things and tragedies. I’d be sippin’ yummy yummy fruit shakes and eating my home-growned papayas. I’ll practice yoga on the sand by the sea shore. Do my morning walks and maybe run from time to time too. Dance to all my favorite music at night, under the big, bright and beautiful moonlight along the million stars that will shine and twinkle up in my sky — that will be my gift to me.

And oh I’d also draw mandalas and listen to sweet reggae music and be so in love with myself and life itself. Oh man, that would be the life. Living simply, day by day, helping others in need and trying to make this world a little bit better.. I am so excited about those days and I know I will get there, with or without anyone by my side. 

I’ll keep dreaming and visualizing that until it becomes my reality. ❁ 

this…

she’s got it all. freedom. money. time.

and yet, she chooses to dwell on all the negative stuff

how ungrateful. a lot of people have it worse every day.. and yet she chooses to play the victim

wants everyone to have sympathy for her. they don’t even know everything that happened. everything that led to this moment

why can’t some people just be grateful n have the ability to, you know, see the lighter side of things?

why can’t she forgive and let it go. her life isn’t over.. matter of fact it’s far from over..

if it were me, I’d have gone and moved to italy by now

yes, a chapter may have ended and closed in a terrible way. but still there is so much light out of all that — if only she wanted to see the light herself

i’m so sick of being in the middle of all this. i hate how toxic she is. i try to be there for her every time i’m around her

however, i can’t stand all the negative stuff that she tells me.. like she’s not all perfect, never was

truth is, it’s draining.. and sickening. like why can’t she just be grateful for everything that she still has?

being grateful is the first step towards happiness.. and when you’re grateful for what you do have now, then it’s easier to start over

also, to forgive – for her sake.. so she won’t have to keep carrying this her whole life. forgive the one who wronged her, but also forgive herself – coz whether she wants to admit it or not, she does have a part in all this

another thing, why does she always guilt trip me n blackmail me emotionally for the choices i make for my son n i

like why does she always think she knows better, when she doesn’t

and she keeps judging me n criticizing me on how i am as a mother, when i know one thing, i’ll never raise my kid the way she did me — which she actually didn’t

ughh. anyway, i just thought i’d let these all out in here. than keeping it all bottled in

I wanted to be like Carrie Bradshaw

I feel like having my 3rd cup of coffee today as I have this urge to write this blog.. I’ve had a large iced coffee in between the two hot coffee drinks I had but, iced coffee doesn’t really count now, do they? Haha :p

Just as I finished my dinner and I was clearing up the plates.. A random thought came into mind as I saw my laptop right on the dinner table. The random thought was how when I was 19, I first started watching “Sex and the City” and I really enjoyed Carrie Bradshaw’s character in that famous NY series.

Oh, how I wanted sooo bad to be like her — a writer. Writing my thoughts for a living, you know. And like having people actually read and enjoy the stuff that I write and publish. That seemed like an awesome career for me. I mean not the writing about sex part.. I didn’t wanna do that, though I know it’s a normal n like a casual thing for people to write about.

I wanted to write about love and also stuff related to Psychology. I was in my 3rd year in college by this time and I remember how I loved Ms. U’s class in Theories of Personality Disorders. Every time she would give us an exam, it would always be in essay form and I would get sooo excited haha! While the rest of my classmates were annoyed.

I’d write my heart out and I loved sharing my thoughts on the theories and giving out real life examples on the stuff we learned. She also appreciated my thoughts and I remember getting good feedback from her — and that made me love writing more.

I was about to go on another hole and go off topic and continue on about my college stuff haha! But glad I remembered to stay on the topic.. So, yeaaa… I wanted to be like Carrie Bradshaw. I remember how I would try and imitate her lifestyle – just living off of coffee and nicotine. Hah! Then writing my thoughts on my old laptop. I would just go on and on about whatever really..

I also remember how I had this journal and how my classmate, Apple would borrow it and read on it – like it was some fiction book haha! Then she would ask me questions about stuff I wrote — which were mostly about stuff I did over the weekend.

Oh gosh.. Anyway.. Yeah, I wanted to live like Carrie did. I wanted to travel and write. I want people to actually like look forward to read about the stuff I write. I wanna interview people and write their stories about stuff that I find interesting, you know.. Hahhhh… I still daydream about doing this, often..

If only money wasn’t an issue you know and I could just do whatever I want without worrying about bills n stuff. I would definitely be writing my heart out and creating/ designing clothes. But yea, I can’t right now. Plus it’s hard finding a good paying writing job — one which will allow me to attend to my son n still be able to write n provide for him at the same time.

Though, I did live that for about two years. I sorta lived on that dream. And I thought it would never end. But the pandemic hit.. sigh…

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. I’ll probably write about this some more later on. ♡

I will wait patiently..

01.04.16

I will wait for someone who I can grow with, both individually and together as a couple. 

I will not rush into things because there’s no point to it. If we do rush things, we’re not gonna last in the end. I don’t want someone who would see me only for my mistakes and for the little things that clearly do not define me.

I will wait for someone who’ll fall in love with my naked soul and who’d wanna help me in growing – to be more of what I’d wish to become or am yet to figure out.

I will not settle for someone who’d judge me so quickly and not be mature enough to sit down and have a discussion about issues we’re both facing. 

I will wait for someone who I can share things with – all the good and bad and be happy to learn about the things that are going on inside my head. That will be someone I’d gladly want to spend the rest of my days with. It’s rare, so rare – to find that soul who’d love to learn about you (your fears, your dreams).  

I will wait for someone who is in touch with his spirituality, one who’d recognize and respect me as another spiritual being that needs to be nurtured and cared for. I will wait for someone who I can relate to and if there might be times wherein we might not get along about things – I will wait for that someone who I’d be willing to compromise with.

As long as we communicate properly, respect and understand each other’s differences – and still remain to be wanting only each other or still want to keep on falling in love after the fight. Yes, it’s gonna happen someday, I know it. I can feel it in my heart and I will wait for it. 

I shall wait for this beautiful man and someday when the time is right, we’ll both be genuinely happy together. And want to keep being together until our time in this lifetime is through.. ♡

Love is easy

10.28.16

For months, I haven’t written anything on this blog. I wanted to change the things I post in here. However, I find that I am still in the same place. I’m still this bubble filled with positivity and sadness at the same time. I have been in this state for some time now, almost four years – and I don’t know for how long. It’s alright though, even if I feel so lonesome like eighty percent of the time, this too shall pass. Or not..

Those who really know me and those who recognize my soul. They know that I have been in love with the thought of love since I can remember. They know how I love with my all and how I let love consume me, and so when the time comes that I am alone again – my soul gets crushed again.

Anyway, I have made a pretty nice realization. That even if I am cold and lonely most of the time. I still continue being in love because I find that love is truly everywhere. If you just take the time to pause and appreciate, look closely and take deep breaths. Love could be found in the earth, the sky, the ocean, the stars; it could also be with each other – the people closest to you [pretty obvious already] — but the love that I wanna talk about is one of the simplest form of love. One where you wish other well and that they may succeed in whatever path they take on.

I have been wishing all my past lovers well, those who I’ve been in a relationship with and even those who just passed by my life but made me realize a lot of things as well. I pray that they may find what they are looking for and that they may be loved too.

Yes, I do wish for every single being to be loved – because I know we all deserve it. I find that when one feels that he or she is loved and appreciated, he or she just is at peace and does good to others as well. Then, it’s now like a domino. Right? It’s a beautiful thing to do, to wish other people well. You should try it. Close your eyes and picture these people you care about {you don’t have to tell them}, and then pray that the universe would treat them well and that they may be happy, loved and safe wherever they are in the planet.

This simple practice that I do has been helping me get through all the trauma that I have experienced back then. Love wasn’t what I received then, but then I still gave it because it’s an endless thing for me. So yeah, anyway it’s sweet. I find love in the things that I see and the little things that I do, which makes me feel glad in my heart and say that I am love itself.

💌

Perfect Strangers

02.19.17

Right now, I got this weird ass feeling of being in love. The people around me can see how bright my smile is again. Am I in love with a specific person? Yeah, nope. I’ve been praying to the universe that I’d feel this way again. Glad the cosmos heard me and lead me to this song by John Paul Cooper. 

Every time I listen to him, I just feel happy and in love – with myself and with life. This song reminds me to forgive myself and forgive the people who’s hurt me. I realize how forgiving and not taking it too hard on myself is a very special gift, that only I, can give my soul. 

” Maybe we’re perfect strangers. Maybe it’s not forever. Maybe the night will change us. Maybe we’ll stay together. Maybe we’ll walk away. Maybe we’ll realize, we’re only humans. Maybe we don’t need no reason why. “

This song sends a message to me – to let things go. The rightful ones will stay. Let the old love go. Wish them well as you wish yourself well and move on. I’ve been a master at moving on, I’ve always told myself that “there’s nowhere else to go but forward”. I still love, I do. I love giving kisses and I love hugs just as much. But I told myself, I’m no longer going to fall too easily. It’s lovely though, meeting people and getting to know a little bit of their story. 

I know not everyone I meet will stay, I’ve learned that a long time ago. Yet, I still love going back to some of the memories – the good and bad. It’s just lovely and makes me feel glad it all happened. All the love that I gave, received and are now gone with the wind.

No worries, I still got a universe filled with love inside me. It’s infinite and I will be glad to share my love with every one I meet thru a big warm hug.

Peace!  

some of the things someone told me about myself that got stuck ✨

02.05.18

I wrote this years ago.. and they’re still true to this day. so yea. 🙂

A couple of people have described me as someone with a beautiful mind, a dreamer, and as someone with a strong will.

These three traits mean a lot to me because to be told as someone with a beautiful mind is just one of the greatest feelings in the world. They tell me this because of the thoughts that I share to them, once I have built a comfortable relationship with them.

Then, being the dreamer — I dream of good things. Happy things. I keep visualizing a good, healthy and simple life for my Travis and I. As well as the people around us. I always wish they are all well and happy. I dream of pursuing my goals, and I dream that someday I’ll be able to contribute into making good changes in people’s lives.

In relation to that (being a dreamer), I do believe I have a strong will. Like one example would be how I taught myself to crochet and how today I’ve turned my passion into something that could help me save money for my son. As I am his mom and dad, and I love it. I am grateful for these, as I get to do the things I love, save for our future and be with my sweet boy day and night.

I plan to remain the same as how they perceive me. However, growth is inevitable and is always a good thing. I wish to grow deeper into the things that I am into now. And learn more and more as the day goes. 

Gratitude ✨

Someone who inspires me ✨

02.08.18

Someone who inspires me — this in no doubt would be my Travis. He is the most important human in my life since the day he came into this earth. I love him so so soooo much that I put on hold my career goals, just so I could be here for him all the time. He is only gonna be little once, so I should treasure every moment with him. I am enjoying motherhood, though there were and still are some times when I just need to let myself breakdown because I feel like I’m so terrible at what I’m doing. Although, I do try my best to provide for him and guide him.

He inspires me to be patient even though sometimes I tend to lose it, also due to other factors. He inspires me to laugh and find joy in the simplest, littlest things. He inspires me to be nice to others, because in his eyes everyone is a good person and true enough there is good in every one. It just takes the right eyes to see them, yea? He inspires me to be kind to myself, because even if sometimes I feel like I mess things up and get frustrated with him (he can be a handful at times and makes me dizzy), he forgives me when I apologize and still loves me so. 

Travis is the sweetest, smartest and most enlightening gift the universe has blessed me with. I am forever grateful for he has led me to my awakening. Today, I can say, I will everyday be in love and it shall go on until I pass on. 

Gratitude ❤ 

My biggest failure as a parent

02.12.19

I believe in all the history of parenting, there’s not one that could be referred to as the perfect type of parents. There are only two types of parents for me –  those parent/s who try their best to raise their kid the best they can and those who do not. 

I would like to think of myself as a parent who try the best I can to raise my kid the best way I know how. I am trying, every single day, learning and failing. However with failure, comes the realizations afterwards and the plan of actions on how to be better in the future. 

When asked about the biggest parenting failure for me, it always brings me back to 2015 when Travis was only a year old. 

I had just broken up with his sperm donor (it doesn’t sound right at all to call him a father) and I was all kinds of messed up. I was feeling all kinds of negative emotions at once. I was sad, heart broken, angry and frustrated. The cause of all these negativity was the evil person I allowed myself to be in love with. I felt so lost and raising my kid all alone didn’t help the situation. I felt so helpless every time Travis would throw tantrums. 

Then instead of pacifying him, I remember I would get mad at him. I would cry and yell at him. I know now that that was so wrong of me. I remember how in those moments, I would imagine myself screaming and crying angrily at his sperm donor. It was really terrible how I threw my anger and frustrations at this innocent child. He did nothing wrong to deserve that from his mommy. 

Whenever I’d come back to my senses and realize what I have done. I would come talk to Travis, I would cry so much and apologize again and again. I still feel bad today and I am so sorry for doing all those terrible things to my love. Oh god, I still feel awful thinking about the way I was with him. 

But after that, I changed my ways and turned my frustrations into something else.. I have managed to overcome that evil side of me. I no longer hurt my son, I no longer hurt myself. Instead, I have moved forward and loved Travis the best way I know how every single day. 

✨

how do I start this again?

simple inday, you just do..

I didn’t even know how to begin writing this post.. this is what happens every time. I swear. not just on my blog but also on my written journals.

I had this question/ thought before about writers. 

are you still considered a writer, even if you haven’t written in days, months, or even years? and I thought.. maybe you still are. as long as you get back to it at a certain point.

I never really thought or fully understood what type of writer I am though. however, I do know there are certain topics that I enjoy writing about. still, I don’t know what that makes me hehe.

that’s why I just stick to calling myself a ‘frustrated writer’ — coz I’ve been dreaming of writing (as well as creating/ designing) for a living. 

Chicken n Beer @ Iamik’s Chicken & Grill, Cebu
Photo by Aira Calina 🌸

once upon a time, I did have that. I did that. I loved it. every single time, I loved it.. I swear. and I miss it so. I enjoyed learning about the place I grew up in, and discovering about things I never knew when I was there for like 20 years. 

I loved that job. it didn’t feel like a job at all. that was a beautiful experience. I feel like it would’ve been more beautiful if I went and visited those places I wrote about, myself — to marvel, speak to people and interview them, and take photos. *sighhh

for now, I’ll just be writing about random thoughts and experiences on here. and I’ve also been cooking up something similar to what I did before.. and now, it’s going to be about Davao. that makes me excited and look forward to making that baby come true and live. 

it’s all happening! 🤎✨